A Return To Work (That’s What You Think)

Last week was Easter holidays, and my third week away from work. I’ve been feeling more or less okay during this time, having the uncomfortable feelings of the beginnings of a panic attack relatively few times.

Yesterday morning, from 5.30 until early afternoon I was overcome with a terrible feeling of sadness, one which created an emptiness in my stomach, and seemed to spread itself along my spine. I cried almost non-stop, unable to shake away the desperation.

I’d decided to go back to work this morning. I awoke earlier than the alarm, as I usually do on work mornings, and felt quite calm at the prospect of my return. As I lay there, thoughts of school started to filter through my inner calm, and within half an hour I was swallowing a pill to prevent the onset of an attack.

It’s easy to link these two happenings to my workplace, but I am truly surprised at the ferociousness of the unwillingness my subconscious is showing. I knew it would be difficult until I can get proper help (both medicinal and therapeutic), but these are very clear signals I am being given.