Last week was Easter holidays, and my third week away from work. I’ve been feeling more or less okay during this time, having the uncomfortable feelings of the beginnings of a panic attack relatively few times.
Yesterday morning, from 5.30 until early afternoon I was overcome with a terrible feeling of sadness, one which created an emptiness in my stomach, and seemed to spread itself along my spine. I cried almost non-stop, unable to shake away the desperation.
I’d decided to go back to work this morning. I awoke earlier than the alarm, as I usually do on work mornings, and felt quite calm at the prospect of my return. As I lay there, thoughts of school started to filter through my inner calm, and within half an hour I was swallowing a pill to prevent the onset of an attack.
It’s easy to link these two happenings to my workplace, but I am truly surprised at the ferociousness of the unwillingness my subconscious is showing. I knew it would be difficult until I can get proper help (both medicinal and therapeutic), but these are very clear signals I am being given.